SET BOUNDARIES


Families living in dysfunction seldom have healthy boundaries. Dysfunctional families have trouble knowing where they stop and others begin.David W. Earle

We may be individuals from different backgrounds but we all have certain boundaries. It is crucial in life that we set definite boundaries for ourselves just as it is important for our personal growth that we learn how to establish and define those boundaries. These boundaries are based on our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, intuition and choices; and we must learn how to get others to respect our rights and needs as well as empower ourselves by building skills of self-confidence in our relationships with others.

Healthy boundaries result in healthy relationships. They help us clarify what our limits are and identify what we are prepared to be flexible or uncompromising about with others.Unhealthy boundaries can either be rigid or loose. A rigid boundary is when you block everyone out physically or emotionally by shutting them from your life with a wall. Living such an enclosed life can leave you completely lonely.

On the other hand, a loose boundary is accepting any and everything with no restraint, no lines, no fences or no strings attached. Loose boundaries can cause you to get overly involved with others, accept promiscuity, confuse sex for love, allow yourself be used, take on too much work and too many commitments; thus having no personal time for yourself. Those with loose boundaries are often drained, powerless and lead chaotic lives.

Defined and balanced boundaries are as healthy as they sound so when you feel tired and exhausted, check the various areas of your life to see where you haven’t set the right kind of boundaries.

Having little or no boundaries means you are prepared to put up with anything thrown at you. It means that you are prepared to destroy another man or woman’s home whether they have children or not, share your spouse and even turn a blind eye to their cheating. It means that you can live with being beaten, verbally abused, disrespected, constantly ignored, actively or passively rejected, physically or emotionally beaten at your work place, happy to be ‘rewarded’ for falsifying information, unable to say no, prepared to conceal the truth from your employer or family.

What are your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits?

As a Christian, is there anything you will not indulge and participate in or compromise your faith for because of the influence of the word and your decision to make Jesus the Lord of your life? 'Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness.' 1 John 3:4 Have your beliefs influenced you to walk away from anything?

I remember asking somebody, ‘what is the limit to what you can put up with as a Christian?’And I ask you the same today, share with me - what are your personal boundaries?

“An over-indulgence of anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.” Criss Jami

Comments

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Solomon
Thanks again. Your words are excellent and thought provoking. I will like to quote this as a verse I follow: 'It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.' Thomas Paine (1737-1809) English intellectual.
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Obianuju
Dear Pastor Anita, thanks for reminding me of one of the principles I live by. I've learnt that personal boundaries are very important. If I want to live a joyful and fulfilled life, I've got to set boundaries. I've got to let people know what is acceptable to me and what is not. I've got to let people know that there is a point beyond which they can go. I've got to let people know that there is a way I should be treated. I love this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I set boundaries and I am very strict about those boundaries.
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Rosalyn
Thanks very much It's always good to set boundaries mostly If one is in sync with the Holy Ghost he will enable you to do that Otherwise people will walk over the person ( use and dump) the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked is only God tha knows the heart We have to be assertive and able to say No without feeli g guilty It's not a sin to set boundaries at all Where ever you find yourself be it at work place. , at home or in marriage one needs to be sharp in comprehension Shine your eyes ???? I am speaking with experience
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T.C.
1. I won't be manipulated, either by tears or threats. 2. I won't allow anyone to make me feel 'not good enough'. Thank you PST.
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Zee
OMG, this is divine thanks pastor ma you are so amazing. Absolutely I have boundaries, even Jesus has; the limit to which one can go however is personal and d situation one finds oneself. A life without boundaries is worthless and useless which is not Gods will for anyone. Thanks so much ma, each time I come here I know you are sent from God. I love you dearly
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Chizy
Wow madam I love this write up! I always like reading your books they are so inspirational. Keep it coming you are the Best!! Love you so much!!!
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Chizy
Wow madam I love this write up! I always like reading your books they are so inspirational. Keep it coming you are the Best!! Love you so much!!!
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sally
A new post today!!! (i'm grinning from ear to ear right now)... I'm constantly refreshing this page for updates. Very very apt topic. "Boundaries" are sooo important. The way we are raised in Africa makes us accept anything and everything. We accept anything from our bosses, teachers, family members, church leaders, political leaders, etc. It's ok so long as they are in a place of authority, they can exercise whatever right they like over you. All forms of abuse thrive in this type of situation. Emotional abuse especially can be averted if we learn to set healthy boundaries. As Christians, our boundaries is set by the word of God. The word of God should not just be used for claiming blessings but also for doing those everyday "practical" godly virtues we've been admonished to. I heal everytime i come on here. Thanks so Pst Anita much for these wise words
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First Born
How true these words aee. Thank you Pastor Anita
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Paulina
I once heard of a lady, whose husband was a pastor but sleeping around and indulging in things that do not please God. This lady suffered years of emotional abuse and loneliness. For the sake of the gospel, she stuck in the marriage. Many adored her husband, but behind closed doors he was a different person. Many years of hurt and pain and trying to make things work was rebuffed by her husband. The pride of her husband was larger than anything else. He had a very big ministry and also started going into other fetish things. When does this woman set her boundaries, after like more than 10 years of constant hurt and pain?. . The same question I ask?. What is her limit and what can she put up with?. For me there is a limit, and will seek the face of God to see when that limit can be broken and walk away. His thought for me are good and precious, not to live a life of hurt and pain. So my boundary is to seek God and let him lead me on. Many will be shocked at what God will tell you to do!!!!
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Tony
I am sorry but Christianity makes me apply wisdom where it is needed. There are boundaries even as a Christian. If I have a sister in a very abusive marriage, do I continue to ask her to pray until she is beaten to death?. Now don't get me wrong here, God does not encourage divorce or separation and my advice to anyone is to try and make things work through the Word of God and prayer. However if it comes to a point where, if life is threatened, then one needs to summon the courage to walk away and set the right boundaries. You will always find out that a marriage or relationship where there is true love and the presence to the Holy spirit reigns, things cannot go wrong, even if it does, it will always get back on track, because of the presence of God. A relationship where one party plays the victim and departs from the lord, then this sets the tone for disaster and can lead to separation if the right council is not sort. SO YES AS A CHRISTIAN THERE ARE BOUNDARIES!!!!!
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Solomon
Dear Madame, Your words are astute. I look forward to hearing that you guest-lecture in our English faculties in universities.
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Louis Ovonlen
A very insightful post as this helps me consider the principles that govern my decisions and indeed my life. Thank you
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T.C.
Dear Temi, thank God you found ur way out of sin. The truth is that many children and adults raised by a single parent never had to be lascivious. They live decent lives. I like it that u are taking responsibility for your actions and not blaming it on an absentee dad or mom. We can change our lives irrespective of upbringing.
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Temi
Before I became a Christian, I had no boundaries. I didn't know what they meant, I believe it was because I grew up with a single parent. I dated a married man old enough to be my father. I loved him (so I thought), at the same time I dated a young man who had no plans for his future, he showed kindness to me so I thought - well, why not? At the same time, I had a one off guy I dated anytime the need arose. But when I gave my heart to Christ, His word set the boundaries for me. I broke off the relationship with all 3 of them and another 4th person. Truth is, I broke the boundaries a few times but God in His mercy, brought me back in check. Still not exactly where I should be but God is helping me. I like the quote at the end of your write up, which talks about over-indulgence in even something as pure as water can intoxicate. I heard TD Jakes talk about 3 areas to watch out for: he called it PMS -Power, money and Sex.
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Nubi
This is where I am right now. It looks Iike if I don't take all that is thrown at me, I'm not excellent. I'm used and cheated at work that I don't even have a life anymore. This post is definitely for me.
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David
Thank you Daniel, you have said it all.
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Melvin
It's important that we have boundaries in our lives - boundaries that are influenced by the Word of God. I left a certain large ministry after many years as a leader because of the many things going on that were contrary to God's Word. The bible is replete with warnings about these last days and the type of deception that will be in the church so we need to be on our guard, not blindly following a man's vision. Is the vision truly of God? Has the vision been corrupted somewhere along the line? If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into the pit! Jesus warned us NOT to follow false teachers/prophets, "Take heed that ye be not deceived: for many shall come in my name, saying, I (Jesus) am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them." Luke 21:8. That's why the deception is hard to spot at face value, especially if you're ignorant of the Word. The same warning is repeated in Mark 13:6 and Matthew 24:5!! It's easy to get carried away by numbers, signs and wonders but "there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect" Matthew 24:24. The size of a ministry doesn't prove God is in it, in fact man can achieve a great deal without God playing any part in it eg city and tower of Babel, Genesis 11:4-6.
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Blessing
I have read this blog post again and again, there's so much to learn from it. Thank you Pastor for sharing
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L.Sabo
I thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. I will recommended to this great forum a good read, the fiction called 'Journey' by Danielle Steel. It is a must read on abuse. It tells a story of how a woman lived in abuse and never even realised she was being manipulated. Married to a powerful man who 'made her', she thought her life was forever indepted to him. I have learnt that gratitude isn't a debt. We must not live in servitude because a man paid our fees or bills.
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Daniel
I was a leader in my former church. I will not mention the name. I led many that were hurting and broken. It was as if they could not ask questions. A very deceptive church indeed. I used a lot of my personal money to bail many of my members out, yet the church was only concerned with partnership and squeezing funds out of their members. There were no boundaries. What the supreme leaders of the church did was law. When there are no boundaries, a society, place or even church runs aloof and wicked and unreasonable men thrive most in this kind of setting. When Jesus needed to flog people out of his house, he sure did. He set the boundaries. Did he make him love his people less. Sure no!. As Christians if we do not set boundaries, we will take anything in, even if it goes against our faith. I am glad i left my former church. It was a place where lawlessness thrived, because Christians failed to set appropriate boundaries and let the silly vision of one man rule their lives, rather than base their lives on the word of God. Thank God many realized and also walked away, but sadly many are still playing the fool. The bible says looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith... The truth, is, Jesus is the one that sets my boundaries, and if you am in a place where the leader is not seen to be following Jesus, then it is better to set your sail.... Shall we continue to sin that grace may abound?. A person that does not set his or her boundaries has no values. As Christians we are the salt of the world therefore we should set the right boundaries, in love and with great compassion, because as he is, so are we in this world......
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James
Please Daniel 'ONLY concerned with partnership and squeezing funds out of their members' kindly qualify your statements as they can seem scandalous and misleading ,it would be a vert carnal way of looking to at giving in the house of God.Where members forced or they were giving to God out of faith from the scriptures ?I would challenge you that there is no church that's only concerned with partnership.Lets share things that inspire and edify the body of Christ not write posts like the media houses of the world.
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Jade Obayuwana
The word of God is God's mirror for our spirits. As a freshman in college, so many young people are yet to discover themselves, even those that seem to have their acts together still haven't discovered themselves because it is only the word of God that can reveal to you who you really are and how can you set boundaries if you don't even know yourself? so to set boundaries you must know christ and know that there is no compromise with God's word because though we live in this world, we are not of this world. My recent personal boundary is to be a student with a difference. Being far away from home, its sometimes tempting to just bury myself in my academics and not really care if my friends are not born again or how I can contribute positively to my campus community but that attitude is not consistent with the word so I am consciously making efforts to be involved in activities on campus so that I can meet people and there will be an opportunity to share the gospel, I also ensure that I take time off from my schedule to intercede for my friends and ensure that I am also having a rich fellowship with the word, I read, attend seminars,look for opportunities to do an internship or volunteer somewhere so I can invest in my personality to be a more productive and excellent individual that can impact the lives of others around me
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T.C.
I love it that we cab reach 20 folks honestly from this blog than 200000 dishonestly. Dear people, If you understand Pastor Anita's ministry, u will know that it matters not that millions read this blog. What she cares about is WHO IS BEING BLESSED AND HELPED? the comments are good, but the impact of her words and heartfelt live is greater! Take that to the bank!
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angela
This message was for me. I'm speechless, thank you.
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MK
Dear Pastor Anita, this is just to encourage you to keep going. The comments may seem to have reduced but trust me there are lots of silent readers out there like myself. I just chose to write something today. Your posts are encouraging and you are like that friend who completely understands. I'd like to thank you for your courage. I know it hasn't come easy but the Lord will strengthen you more and more each day. Keep them coming. I love you.
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sharon
Well said MK,, thank you!
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sharon
Well said MK,, thank you!
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emma
I love this topic .GOD BLESS U PASTOR ANITA.
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Ola
"Once beaten, twice shy", they say. I once lived life without boudaries and truely, i personally went through all what Pastor Aniota has highlighted above as the effects of a no-boundary life. Evenas a Christain, i have learnt through "hard-blows" to set my boundaries no matter who it is i'm dealing with. I practicall do this by learnig to say NO! It was a word i never liked using and because of that i paid dearly; taking on too many responsibilities than i was ideally able to carry out, not having time for the people i love, etc. Today, i make use of schedules and daily priotise my activities so that no area of my life suffers. If i have to take my family out for lunch after devoting at least 4 hours to church matters in a day, i do it. Of course this means sometimes i miss out on some meetings but i ensure that i call a brethren to brief me on the vital purpose of that meeting. My family doesn't have to feel left out or neglected just because i'm a leader in church. They also need me. Without boundaries, you will indeed run your business or family aloof On-point-truth.
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Maggie
Really powerful Pastor Anita. I have been following your blog and have really blessed me alot. As I was growing up I never had boundaries, I didn't think I needed any because I grew up with Christians and also I made sure I never found myself where I shouldn't be. This was easy to do at a young age, however as I grew up it became challenging not to find people who are ready to throw things at you which will hurt you, also another challenge was finding yourself in uncomfortable situations and having to say no. I never knew how to say now so this was difficult. I didnt want to say no because I didnt want to hurt anyone, I wanted to be accepted by my friends and family so I held alot in and took on a bit too much than I could handle. I would go to bed and cry on my bed and wake up following day to go through the same thing. With time I learnt to say no and setting up boundaries for myself, realizing that it is OK to say no and if it means loosing some people along the way to ensure that you are walking within your well defined boundaries inline with the word then let it be. No relationship is worth keeping if it means making you break boundaries which are outside God's will for your life. God loves us too much for us to feel dragged along and not feel appreciated.
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Ba yo
Wow,this is essential topic for anyone that want to go far in life..but also attitudes is a platform for buildings boundaries..attitudes by traits or acquired (learning) which are negative to a healthy needs to be change by conscious effort for a profitable life and relationship.. I appreciate pst Anita for statement that boundaries should not also be rigid...... Its a word of depth..
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Geraldine
Thank you Pastor Anita for this insightful post!
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Uche
I agree with you completely Daniel. It's important to set boundaries even more as a christian. A christian isn't called to live a remote-controlled life, the Holy Spirit is given to us for leadership
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Pindy
This is powerful, thank u PA.